THAT side

(for them/in secret. secretly)

i miss them
only occasionally, sometimes
(BARELY AT ALL OKAY, LIKE ALMOST NEVER, I MEAN I COULD CARE LESS, I MEAN IM SO GLAD THEY ARE GONE GOOD RIDDDANCE!)

sometimes i’m surprised by what i can remember
you know, stuff i thought i’d lost- maybe even trashed- it turns up untouched
no bruising
and, and.. i want to go back. i wish that i hadnt been
THAT fierce or THAT antagonizing or THAT way…
or so damn prepared, because you should always enter a situation that rare unprepared-
because you are, you know. And things I were I angrily look at/
only remembering that FEELING- you know, like I couldn’t get hurt?

I’m so damn BLUNTED now, the sorrow has dried up, it stopped MOVING, instead of grateful/i’m bewildered…/
I remember when I remembered EVERYTHING
when every memory was so fresh and freakishly tender
and precious and and… and there was no way to fall without breaks.
I saw that, you know.They saw that I saw that. A look was exchanged.
They didn’t seem, you know, SURPRISED enough for me. SORRY enough.

Now that so much time has passed, there is very little that I extract
but, like today, something came that i thought had gone.. a memory i thought was
tucked too far was there,
like perfect weather

I wanna go back and change something…
a few things..

so they confided in me, whatever, and I thought this thing, this trust, went on forever…I thought it
could be tested and established, i didn’t account for weak bridges
they told me something, then they were mad that i ASK’D about it later!
As if it was MY FAULT that they told me personal things and then acted like i was IN
their BUSINESS when i WASNT!!!
instead of realizing what they did-
I BACKED OFF OR CURIOUSLY PRIED ACCORDING TO OUR MOODS
i didn’t
1) diplomatically see their problem or my reaction
2) notice how to deal in the “best” way with a “desirable” outcome
3) never thought aBOUT outcomes!!!! That was for THEM, they seem’d so BETTER at it, I TOLD THEM THAT!!!
(‘stop it delater’ they say
‘okay.’ i answer. ‘thanks’ i say, feeling something other people call relief.)

I WAS RELENTLESSLY GIDDY AND CHILDLIKE
going back in swings on their dime, on their insecurity
(they can handle it! and i’d do anything for them, y’know, when it really COUNTS…)
they counted ahead! they peeked! i showed them!
I’m so sorry…I want to be the other side of me.
I should have been the other side of me.
The side thats trust is like mountain air or diamonds or eagle eyes.

The side that never, ever, breaks
not even under a torturers instrument.

When 12  I was told I couldn’t be trusted..(“‘but I haven’t DONE anything- I’ve always tried to be my best mom! WHY mom! WHY”‘)
I knew they were wrong, I’d always been so OPEN, but it’s like I had to prove that if
necessary
I COULD be unsavory, I could hurt if I had to. to PROVE IT.

I’ve barricaded myself inside to get away from the knocking and the barging and
the gunshots,
like a hostage,
but it’s not the escape I was looking for!
The side that lives and breathes now
The side that lives and BREATHES now

I want/to go/back/…but only for a moment
And anyway, wouldn’t I feel like LEAVING if I went there?
oNCE you no longer have that horrible place to run FROM that you compare everything
to
you never learned how to stop living like a runaway-
but unlike before, you can’t FLASH BAM disappear enough.
you can’t disappear enough.
You wished you could,
you tried you could, you stormed out you could, you could you should,
but now that you aren’t trying to catch your breath,
you don’t know what to try and catch,
where to go from now,
so desensitized from all the scenery,
you want to go back… but not too far. Not back to the place you ran from.Just enough/
To where/it COUNTED./it all COUNTED. not too long ago,
in a far away place,
where happy endings were encased
in the hope of the unknown… of all that hadn’t been tasted..
the imagination was so much better back then.

You don’t ask what happened anymore… you know better

or maybe, you know WORSE

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