Executioner and his past

Dear Diary,

Brenden says I just need to write instead of thinking about writing so here I go. He can tell slight tremors in my voice that nobody else can, gulp. I wonder how much I’ve been hiding. He refers to the person from my past as an executioner, “the life-ruin-er” and I agree with him but how could I have seen so much of myself in somebody so awful?

“He wants to be unhappy, Nicole. I have absolutely NO respect for this guy. NO respect…”

I would tell him stories about the people in my life and he kept repeating “Very interesting..” instead of telling me “you talk about people too much!”

He says the webs are very complicated. And he says this man, the man who ruins lives, needs to live in the past, and that he never wants to go forwards. Some sort of transference occurred- he gently breaks the news to me that “It was all backwards.” Instead of me feeling better and more productive after the breakup, the executioner got my energy lift like some kind of face-lift while I got his cold depressions, his I love misery, his I love to have this big affect on people after they are no longer in my life…

“I feel I’ve always been this way. This lowness you talk about- it seems it’s always been there.”

I don’t feel it crushing me anymore. It’s just there, keeping me from believing in a future. Keeping me from doing anything but noticing my instincts as they scatter like ants trying to make some kind of a map or outline for me so I know where the queen ant is. Or maybe they are trying to hide from me so I don’t destroy the queen. What happens when the queen ant is destroyed, is the nest destroyed? I have no idea. Guess I am not supposed to find out.

Alex reads my tarot cards. He has rituals. I am excited to see him. I can’t change my life alone this time. Too much solitude has made me a stray animal not fit for society. I need to slowly adjust with somebody loving enough to help me through the exchange.

What hurts is when Brenden tells me how much I have to give to this world, how much I have at my fingertips, how much I am just not using but it’s there- all there- so much. So fucking much and I’m not using it. It might as well be on another planet for all I know.

You need to do, he says.

I tell him I’m so focused on what I can’t do these days that I can’t do anything.

“Did you hear you how you phrased that sentence?” he says.. It’s key. And it is.

I’ve never seen Brenden feel so serious about me being in such a bad place. He must be right. If Brenden says so, it’s true. That’s just how Brenden is. There’s no need to probe or question or even bother with stupid cerebral academic shit. He’s just right, okay?

And I’m so tired of the smart people in my life weighing me down with all their analysis. Commentary on every sub-par comment that doesn’t give enough specifics for them to chew their bits on.

There are two wakes of life of people in my life no in betweens. People that only live in their head, or people that with innate vision and talent and a knack for getting into adventure and trouble. The coolest people in school, and the most uncool smart people in school. Both two were usually my closest friends.

Maybe I can leave this place. I say I’ve been trying. I don’t know how true that is. I can’t seem to leave to DO things. Doing things seems like a futile thing that makes no sense that I’m not ready for. I’ve definitely let this stew sit for way too long. I wish somebody could help me put humpty-dumpty back together again but the lining to my lungs seems to have deteriorated…

More soon, diary.

PS. I can’t believe the letters I write people.. Brenden was talking about how people just don’t think before they say. He says that the lines of rules are blurred for many people, I am not alone in not knowing the rules. And I can’t just “pick them up-” sorry but a desire to know does not make you know. It feels like you have to go back to a place before wisdom to understand the rules again. I observe them all the time… I don’t think I see anyone following them. So how can I understand them? But anyway, I was finally feeling things, highs and lows, and I tried to reach out to an old friend that I thought was there. But compared to the executioner, anybody looks good..

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