I’m still here is what I can’t believe. Poisoned by your lies? You are keeping me from experiencing life. The whole time I’m sitting here life is going by, and I get whiffs from the times you leave and come back. In fact, you are my only connection to the outside world anymore. Is that what you wanted? I know. I ask all the time. It’s just a quirk- don’t take it too seriously. I can’t believe you don’t narrow it down for me further. That doesn’t make much sense. What I mean is really that I fear my personality is leaching into the water and becoming less and less interesting because there is no order to sustain me beyond your comings and goings in and out of here, bringing some kind of book if I’m extremely lucky, but also bringing your phrases and ideas as my only source of stimulation. Oh, I have my head, yes, don’t I have my head. And there is enough for me to go around as long as I want on my merry go round of learning, noticing different patterns, enforcing a mental cloud. You have no idea what it feels like because you are on the other side.
Why do you expect me to do all the talking and then when I do talk you pounce on it so suddenly for being too whatever I’m being in that moment? I’m sorry we all aren’t as perfect as you are. And then I’m so surprised every time you come back looking for more. The pressure to continue entertaining you is on and it’s dreadful. Like you could understand. You are all mask and all shell and all walls and all cagey as shit, with your soft and sadly mechanical voice and it’s wanderings and tidings. It’s a hesitant voice, not so much monotone as it’s lilting quality is drawn out for much longer periods of time than other voices that are put in the melodic category.The action everywhere else is startling.
You hate me, oh, you hate that I symbolize needs you can’t have without breaking every law, and so the physics of who you are has to be built on constructs all the time in order for your survival. Maybe it’s how lots of people survive though. In order to have certain things they have to interact with people and perhaps there is some equation that will help you to determine how to reach the most number of people with the easiest social farce.
This is the last time, isn’t it? I should have done more, never said a single thing to you, maybe that would have served my purpose better. But If I hated everything that happened.. No, that’s not right.