Schoolgirl Dreams

Rule number one: You need a few good personas up your sleeve. And.. that’s really it.

Take that girl strutting down the hallway. I Act Hypersexual and Slutty When I’m Practically a Celibate Girl. Dresses provocatively, full of coy glances, she’s banned shyness from her vocabulary! So hyper. So unladylike! Finds your ignorance on matters of the female anatomy hysterically funny! Do you want to talk to her? Do you really? She’s an interesting choice, as most people in the hallway take one look. They don’t want to see beyond a projected persona…takes too much effort. But this one is so shiny and pretty! A lot of people will do anything she wants to get behind the projected persona. (When projection is done well, people get curious about how the process behind the mystery works.)

Lesson two.. People are comfortable with personas. Personas are predictable, people are not. Decide now which persona you want to commit to. They all have their ups and downs. If you want to be the shy prissy girl? Well, right there- the hypersexual we were just pointing at- that is your new best friend. Cuddle up to her. Because. If you want to be shy and prissy without having freshman year be a plague of innuendos and insults going the wrong way than you really mustacquire her as your new BFF to make you look good.

Otherwise.. you’ll be a loser with a capital V on your forehead. Forever! Didn’t anybody tell you that how you do in high school determines the rest of your life?

Now that you’ve made your choice.. Let me hook you in for the trade secrets…

Pretend to be all hypersexual and blatant about sex because it makes guys think you’re slutty. When they think you’re slutty, they are much less likely to think of you as girlfriend material. Now that you have them at arm’s length, the only place you can  get comfortable, you may act all platonic. Do wild things without having “them” get all sentimental (boo hoo). The few guys that have crushes on you despite your completely one hundred percent made up “I’m a player persona…”  Stay the hell away from them! They should make you incredibly uncomfortable.

(Why do they like you? Why?!) To cause you discomfort. To make you feel self-conscious. To make you feel good? Don’t ever buy into your own persona, that will create a real need for therapy later on..

Guess they’re just desperate! Remember, to them you are one of the loneliest people out there. And you will call up “one of the guys” just to hang out for a few hours, and they will walk away with a blush on their face, embarrassed that they came out to your place and nothing happened. That’s right! No kiss, no cuddle, no fuck, nada. Because when you are feeling out of your skin, there are very few people who will make you want to cross that barrier over to feeling instead of guarding. Don’t let it happen!

(The few times when you become interested in the technical facets of sex, you’ll just feel incredibly inadequate. Do you like kink? No. Want it in the ass? No. Want to put a webcam on and…? Not now. Want to talk dirty? Well, um, you don’t know? Want to be tied up and saturated in cum? NOOOOOO? Well what’s wrong with you! You’re so crazy for not wanting to do all that fun stuff!)

Be interested in private. When the pervy but popular guy sees interest he will use it to explore every fantasy he’s been having since he first started shaving.

So how do you maintain the façade? Well, guys need somebody to say they’ve gone all the way with. It gives them status. High fives in the locker room. Which is important if they want to belong to a fraternity, then end up joining wall street and getting a key to the rich and powerful club.. and so on.

Does that mean you are one of those vanilla people who enjoy cuddling? Well, that’s where it gets tricky too. I mean, if you’re obliterated enough, I’m sure even you can act totally normal.

Booze! Yay for booze! Another status increase! (And don’t mention anything else, the other drugs are delicate terrain to navigate unless you’re hanging out with 8th graders.. And why would you?)

Nowadays you have to be more careful- back in the nineties it may have looked cool to be ahead of the curve, acting out- putting your self-destructiveness into excessive drug-use made you seem “deep-” but we’ve passed that whole era. We are all too aware of the parents that embarrass us with they’re “I need these pills or these drugs or I’ll wake up vomiting and honey, hand me my crack pipe” moments. We don’t want to be them. We don’t want to know them! So it’s reallynot cool to be a stoner with “potential.” They might be occasionally fun to date because their inhibitions are lowered, but as a generalization, they’re staggeringly oblivious to consequences.

You like making out in crazy places, closets and banisters and the nurses station when nobody is around.

That is where it starts and ends.

Jessica, a striking brunette with a lithe body and a penchant for guys that challenged her, made a huge mistake: she let a guy know she didn’t care one way or the other! Well, except for them getting off, she did care about that a little bit, at least. And If she got off, she had begun to feel kind of shy about the whole matter, prefered they not get too involved in it. Only guys really do have a huge ego thing, they are really into pussy, what it looks like, how pretty yours is, and they’ll be irritated if you aren’t as insanely curious about it as they are. And they are so obsessed with noting what you look like during that one moment of.. Whatever. You risk putting a lot of people off by not faking or caring about that part but don’t worry; those guys are too goal oriented anyway. And they need you to tell them just how altruistic they are, when really they have super low self-esteem, a few extra pounds or shaggy hair, and a constant need to know how good they are. They want somebody who is all taste and no flavor, hook and no bait. It’s a trend. They come, they go. Mostly they annoy.

Matt, the bulky red haired anti-hipster with an ambling walk, a fierce left hook, and penetrating blue eyes met Jess on the debate team. They’d make out for three hours straight, and it would go other places, but the fact that they could stay interested for that long doing the same passionate yet monotonous thing was interesting to her.. Until it wasn’t. For soon Jess wanted that guy at arm’s length, too. He kept saying “are we in a relationship or not?”

If a guy ever says that, be freaked. It’s consistent with the persona, anyway.

She told him they couldn’t fool around anymore, ever. He thought she was a tease. He kept trying when they were alone to make things difficult for her.

(You see, the physical barrier wasnt there for Matt anymore; he thought he could just reach out and touch her as if there weren’t any barriers there at all, as if he’d gone through all the hardship, resented her for even putting him through it at all, and he didn’t need to use words to explain he was done with THAT!) Now it was just straight-up ownership. Sort of like somebody who.. How do I put this? Somebody who thinks getting their first apartment and living away from mom and dad means they never have to vacuum the carpet. Somebody who thinks getting a girlfriend means they no longer have to play any games, dress up in a tux, or try very hard because they have it made now! I get the lazy reasoning behind all of that, but really, it’s not about sealing the deal, it’s about maintenance.

Naw, Jess had put the barrier back up, only unlike when she’d first met Matt, he was super-angry that it was there! She had to treat him as if they had no past because he was using the past as if it was a one way ticket to wonderland.

If there is one thing she was a delegated pro at, it was abrupt switches in place, time, and moment. Asshole-ish, yes, but she got away with it. She liked being able to control how she came and went. At the beginning of Junior year she’d loved letting Matt go down on her for hours, but she was at a new apex where she wanted to be able to decide the course and trajectory of a romance right down to the details in the scripting.

Of course, Matt turned into a major asshole. Whereas he used to be the guy that Jess could call up with questions about her physics homework, he turned into that guy- the one that makes jeering remarks in public to humiliate.

He went from being a supportive agent- telling people how brilliant she was, how cool, how multifaceted, yack yack yack- to the boastful enemy. He wanted her to know just what she’d lost. She was nothing without his praise.

Which, by the way, is how guys feel when we stop getting off..

When she felt she sucked at something, he’d boosted her spirits without fail, telling her “you are being way too hard on yourself, you overwhelm yourself so you have no choice but to sabotage the school term by not having enough time logistically no matter how talented you are!”

But after he saw how difficult she made it for them to hook up, he acted like another person. When she confronted him and said “hey, why are you different now? It’s not fair that you are mean just because I want things to be platonic now.”

He thought what Jess said over with a hungdog look, then replied “You’re right. I’m sorry. You are my best friend and nobody is closer to me except for my mom.”

Watch out, hon! When guys call you a best friend.. It’s a big red flag. So, you’d think this would have been the end of it for them, but it wasn’t. Her “frigid” tone was death. (For the record, Jess was never frigid, just bitchy. Especially since she had to make boundaries extra-difficult just for him, and he’d see that other people didn’t get the same treatment. They had it easier, he thought! How unfair.)

I know you are thinking “If I had a hunky Matt by my side I wouldn’t have done that.. I would give him everything he needs.” Don’t think that! Don’t be the hussy. You’ll see other slut-girls doing that and it’s a mistake you don’t want to make.

Jessica would tell him about dates she’d go on, and because she didn’t have any close female friends to do the “girltalk thing” with he would respond nastily.

“Shut up about your exploits, you think you are some dog bringing me a bone?”

Matt and his language! No wonder he couldn’t get a girl! Although, the poets were much worse…

But she found this preferable to wanting to be with nobody. It was a boost for her self-esteem. But in his eyes, it meant Jess would rather be lonely and miserable than hook up with him! That was a blow. He’d rather go back to seeing her flirt with the tools!

Now, explaining all this to you, I am so NOT more confused than when I started. What I’m trying to say is that when you are capable of fierce, unadulterated, even painful passion, you don’t like to be put in the place of a caged animal. You must become capable of complete sociopathic behavior.. And so you turn into somebody who flinches if a person so much as places a hand on your shoulder when you don’t feel like it. Hypersensitive is hypersexual, right? Hypervigilant is hyperactive. Superpowers have downsides.

You’ll probably prefer to go a few months between partners. You should prefer the partners you do have to be people you can’t talk to easily. Always opt for the challenge. And never call relationships “relationships.” They are “games,” “experiments” or maybe just “attempt not to be substantial.” I mean, tied down. But tied down is fun. Held back? Held back can be fun too. Oh, whatever! To keep the slut persona going, you don’t do relationships.

Matt would randomly come back to Jess like a lost puppy, finding that other girls were much more difficult. (I know, right>) But after a few days of “hanging out,” he would switch his tune and tell her they couldn’t be friends anymore since she was denying him the connection they used to have.

“You have lots of suppressed rage at your mother,” she told him, snickering. “Mommy found your porn stash again?” Matts mom was a Jehovas Witness, so that was something people made fun of him for. (Always take careful note of peoples weaknesses.)

His mom had unrealistic expectations. Then again what mother doesn’t? She wanted his son to be chaste, but she didn’t want him alone and unhappy. Matt found this chasm impossible to breach. He couldn’t find any glue to hold the two disparate ideals together, and he was a fellow that gave up too easily. As a result of the hypocrisy at home, he stored up too much anger, then unleashed it on any girl who rejected him physically.

Matt played the social game. (Don’t think just because they’re close to you that, well, they’re actually close to you.) He denigrated girls who did spread their legs for him, because he decided they weren’t good enough to be with him.

“Oh, the cokehead whore? Well, we had a good time, but she just wasnt girlfriend material.” Such a common male attitude. Turn cokehead to redhead and you know what half the males at Tacoma Prep are saying. Tsk tsk. What does a guy expect? Matt was the type that you know will leave school full of promise, then enter some kind of stupor- 1) the high expectations, 2) the reality, 3) the chasm between the two- and remain unemployed. He’ll live at home with mom and never have money.

When a guy does not obey even the simplest social courtesies… well, it’s a very bad sign.

When guys meet up with a girl of their own kind, their own status- (yes, we still have class in this day and age)- they find the girl repulsive. All the things they hate in themself they finally see in somebody else. Only she’s really not even as bad! Guys are always delusional about their status. They aim too high, girls aim too low. While she at least holds down a job, be it at a grocery store, he’ll never work! His expectations will never be in line with reality. And does he think about the girls he claimed were not good enough and remember them fondly, wishing he had tried harder? No!He really doesn’t consider them at all!

It’s really important not to be too impressed with any one trait. Super-athletic? So what. Incredibly talented and artistic? Okay. Brainy with a high IQ? Look for the one who can hold it all together. They tend to be the one that can actually live up to their dreams.

You’d think guys could treat you like one of the guys, especially since you will make the mistake of spending all your time with them. (Don’t deny it. “They’re not as catty as the girls,” you’ll say.) You’ll say it’s not sexual. But no, they will never treat you like one of them. And really, why want that? He’ll resent the fact that he feels he has to be nicer to you than the guys, that there is something to figure out, that chivalry dictates one thing while feminism (which one? There are so many types!) says another…  If he spends extra time on you, tutors you, and hangs out with you because you are a girl, don’t be surprised when he surreptitiously blames you for being unable to meet other girls. “If only I hadn’t been spending time with her..”

You’re surprised that you became a Her?


As for the guy who is most loyal.. well, their yearbook quote will read, “most likely to live under a bridge.”Okay, it won’t read that, but it should! So, in all likelihood he might end up being somebody spectacularly brilliant, so they don’t insert the quote there. Hope is everywhere. Adulthood isn’t something that affects people in high school! Playing hooky, lying, getting stoned, avoiding class, that doesn’t mean you would do that with a job! Preparation for life is nothing like how you’ll behave once you  have the life they want!

That’s a lie, don’t fall for it. On the flip side, just because you’re valedictorian doesn’t mean you can hold down a job. It doesn’t mean you’re set up for life. Or say you’re the prom queen: doesn’t mean that beauty and charm will always get you what you need.

The players all want to be hustlers and pimps in terms of their mindset. They think there’s no limit to the punches they can pull. These girls will break rules just so that they seem unattractive. And why? Yes, they want experience. They pretend they will do anything. They say it’s never for closeness, but because they feel sheltered and they need something on their internal resume. The truth is usually in the rift in between two disparate ideas.

You’ll play games, and you’ll make things too complicated. I know you are a tease.

This entry was posted in experiment, high school, I think..., raw, rewrite, sex. Bookmark the permalink.

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